Question by Tertium Quid: How do I get up the courage to leave my wife?
I need help leaving my wife. I am full-disabled with major depression and anxiety disorder. I was adopted from an orphanage, so I have big issues with abandonment and loneliness. This is my third marriage. My wife is from a foreign country. I married her mainly for religious reasons, and also because I was extremely lonely. She moved to the U.S. to be with me. She is a psychologist and gave up a lucrative career in her country to live with me. I got her a Green Card. I took care of all her needs. However, I guess I was still depressed from my second marriage ending, because she says that I did not do much more than eat and stay in bed while she was in the U.S. She is partially lying about this because I did lead a spiritual group twice a week, every week, for the year we lived in the U.S. When my time as leader of the group ended last December, she demanded we return to her country. She said that we could divorce, or I could live for the rest of my life in her country. Since moving to her country, I have been very active, learning her language at school, working hard at my job, socializing, and so forth. Since we met, we have argued and fought. She has only had one real relationship in her life, and she is over forty. She abuses me verbally, lies, is very passive-aggressive, screams and yells, and is very confused about what role she wants me to take as her husband. I want to leave, but I have moved three times in the last several years. Many of belongings are still in the U.S. But, I feel that where I am now is my home. If I leave, I am afraid of never finding a woman again. I do not speak the language here well. So, staying here is not an option. I am in my 50’s, with two failed marriages, living mostly on my disability insurance. I take anti-depressants and tranquilizers. It would be beyond my means to move all my things back to the U.S. I already spent most of my savings moving my wife to the U.S., and then moving us back to her country of origin. Realistically, if I returned to the U.S., I would have to leave some really valuable tools of my trade here because they are too large and expensive to transport, not to mention things like my stereo, television and so forth. This breaks my heart. If I returned to the U.S., I would have to look for an apartment, and live with friends or rent a hotel until I could find a place. I would be basically homeless. I so much wish things could work out between us. I fear she is mentally very ill. She told me that we could try living as “friends” for the next four months, because she says she cannot take all the “tension” anymore. I think she really cannot handle being married, and since Day 1 has tried to get me to leave her, through passive-aggressive ways. Whenever I try to leave, I get very suicidal and depressed. I do not want to be divorced three times. I depend on her for my medication. If I move to the U.S., I am not sure I could find a psychiatrist quickly enough to continue me on my medication. I think she is going to ask me to leave at the end of the four weeks. When I think of leaving I just want to die. I need help please.
Best answer:
Answer by Dominus
you need to do whatever you can to
get some cash together and get your azz back to the US
you must have some friends or family here that can help.
dr’s are a dime a dozen over here.
meds wont be a problem.
get on that plane dude and GTF out of there
NOW,
no excuses, just do it
leave it all behind ,including her
its never to late to start over
Add your own answer in the comments!
Just pray to God and He will help you. God is always with us and He loves us so much. Don’t feel lonely Jesus loves you and He wants a relationship with you. Once you have a great relationship with the Lord you will see how He will handle all your problems. Read the Holy Bible. God bless you.
Please don’t think of yourself as a bad person because you have 2 prior failed marriages. My now ex husband, I was wife number 3, felt the same way when we were talking divorce. He also had changed after we got married and for the last 5 years of our marriage – there was verbal abuse, physical abuse and I was miserable. I too didn’t know how I would live on my own with my children without his help. You sound like a religious man – so, maybe first go talk to your clergyman. Do a lot of praying and you will find your answers. I know that moving back to US will put financial hardship on you and leaving “material” items behind, but you need to look at the big picture as to how it will repair your well being. Maybe you will be able to be off of meds once you move back as well because the stress of your wife will not be there. If you have family and friends here in US, ask them for help for when you first arrive. It sounds like you really need to make the move and I know for a fact how hard it is to not only make that choice, but then to execute it. I made that move 5 years ago and I am telling you that looking back, it was the best thing for me and my kids. The first year was very hard, I won’t lie to you, but once I got past that first year, it did look better and now we are happier than we ever were. Best of luck to you.
You ARE still young! I too have had 3 failed marriages due to alcoholism. I am a recovering alcoholic of over 20 yrs. now. My Dad was a preacher so I grew up in a VERY strict home. When I left at 17 after graduation I started the drinking, got engaged, married rite after I turned 19 had 2 children. The marriage lasted 4 yrs. I them married 2 more alcoholics. I went to AA & got sober. I also have anxiety, take medication & also depression meds. BUT, I am finally happy! I would imagine with the work you did at church, you DO believe in God. I put ALL my trust in God & KNOW at just the time I need it, I WILL get the help I need. I recently lost 1 or my two beautiful Granddaughters at 14 in a car accident. It so killed me with my own grief, but to look at my Son, D-I-L & other Granddaughter who was driving the car about did me in. That’s when I got my depression meds. increased. I don’t know what I’d do without them. BUT, YOU CAN start over at any age. I am retired & have a good few yrs. on you. But with determination & trust in God, you CAN make it. My Granddaughter’s hero on her My Space was Jesus. We KNOW where she is, we KNOW we WILL see her again. That is the hope that holds us together. Do whatever you feel you must do for YOU. You cannot please others, regardless of how hard you try. It’s not worth it as you must take care of you first. IF you got enuf medication filled, I dare say you COULD find a Dr. who would take care of you in the U.S. Let them know the urgency of your needs, the situation, & I’m sure you can get yourself taken care of health wise. But IF you are not happy with your home life, don’t settle for second best. You do deserve far better than that. You must have a least one friend in the U.S. that possibly could line up a Dr. for you. IF you come with refills on your scrips, they CAN be refilled & honored here. You in time could get your things moved back here & get yourself settled down. NO, it’s not going to happen over nite, you can’t expect it to. But I dare say IF you make up your mind to what you want, strive for it, put it in God’s Hands, you WILL be OK in your future. We all must take a leap of faith at times & trust things WILL work out for us, I’ve found all I’ve gone thru that they in fact do. Make lists of pros & cons. See which outweigh the other. Make a decision & pray about it. You WILL get your ans. But you have a LOT of years ahead of you, you CAN find happiness just as I did. I lived one horrible drunken life when I drank. I am a complete different person now. I’ve completely chged. & am finally happy. Think about it, pray about it & come to a decision that is best for YOU…I SO wish you the very best…:)